This Literally Existed on the Internet

I can't believe I didn't have to make this; it actually already existed on the internet. The original file name? "George Wants Clams." We all do George, we all do. I'm not quite sure who made this thing, but we'll be making babies together as soon as I find out.

Why the MTA is Broke

You guys, I think I figured out why the MTA is cutting services, raising rates and generally sucking at being a modern, economically viable train system:


This is my Transit Chek card, and I don't mind sharing all the info on it with you. Here, I'll even give you the PIN. It's 10005. You wanna know why that doesn't matter? Because this card is absolutely useless after the moment I use it once. I get it in the mail, I use it that afternoon, and then it is a worthless piece of plastic that I have to throw away.

In the olden days, a.k.a. April through August 2010, I would receive an actual Metrocard in the mail, just your typical yellow and blue, laminated cardboard. I would use it all month, and that was that. The new one would come on the first of the next month, and I never had a problem. (Except maybe the fact that the card had to come wrapped in plastic, but that was something I was willing to overlook.)

Now I get the Transit Chek card in the mail. I take that with me to the train station, pop it in the machine like a credit card, punch in my pin, and out comes the same exact card I used to get delivered to my desk. At this point I am in the same situation I was in under the old system, minus an extra three minutes of my time, and plus an extra 2 ounces of plastic headed straight for a landfill. Meanwhile the MTA just wasted about 50 cents on the extra postage to mail me the heavier card, and the cost of producing the card along with the original Metrocard I used to get in the first place. Now multiply that by 8 million.

Simply put, this is fucking moronic. And now on the first of every month, I have to be reminded about this fact. Evey month as I stand at the kiosk, with my one-time-use credit card, I will be thinking about the dwindling intelligence of mankind, and about the extra $14 I will be paying each month for the same service, because the MTA was running so inefficiently, they had a giant loophole of a new program whose sole purpose was to pay for and make me use two cards every month, instead of one, and they didn't ever stop to think that maybe this was part of the fucking budget problem.

You know it's not the only thing they're messing up. It's just (hopefully) the dumbest one.

Animal Planet, You're Disgusting

Do you remember when Animal Planet first came out, back in 1996? It was so wild and exciting and promised to deliver all the big cat specials my 9-year-old heart desired.

For a couple of years, the station remained my wildlife haven, but now I have my doubts.

First of all, specialty cable stations have lost all their novelty. I get like eight different MTVs. There are now two versions of Lifetime, as if the world really needed two options for 24/7 rape stories and moms doing things on their own terms. While cable was busy ramping up the competition and creating about 800 stations to vie for my attention, Animal Planet gave it a big "meh" and started sucking hard.

Now it's all cat whisperers and crazy people who live with 60 birds.  Oh, and this: 




 To this I say, WTF, Animal Planet? You are disgusting. Why must you clarify it's a dance instructor's colon?  As if a giant mass of decaying bugs inside an ass wouldn't be of any interest unless -- oh wait, it's in a dance instructor? Let's watch!

I miss the late-90s, when a girl could watch whales migrate and antelopes roam with a simple British voice over and no frills cinematography, and run absolutely no risk of seeing the "Hey, Check Out What's Growing Inside Me!" show.

Oh, and in case you were interested in vomiting today, or wanted to crawl out of your own skin, check out the episode!  Animal Planet wouldn't let me embed it, lest I take all the credit for their groundbreaking poop joke series.  Reason number 12 why I'm now totally over it.

For the record, it looks like the new Nat Geo Wild is a fail as well, with a host of new shows that sound equally terrible, like My Dog Ate What? and Swamp Men.   (Concession: Rebel Monkeys sounds 100% incredible.)

Where oh where have all the animal kingdom cowboys gone??  

A Sad Day for Clams Everywhere

When a member of our underwater family dies, clams everywhere mourn the loss. However, that doesn't mean that we don't go take pictures of its decaying body, because dead sea creatures are cool like dead space creatures. 2 weeks ago, a blue whale washed up on shore on Bean Hollow State Beach, outside Pescadero. Blue whales are the largest creatures on earth today, possibly even in the history of the world. This particular whale was 80 feet long and weighed 75 tons (150,000 pounds).

Look at how tiny those people are!

Scientists think this whale got hit by a boat, possibly because she was sick or confused, since whales are usually way too smart to get hit by stupid boats. But not's not even the coolest/saddest part! This monster of a sea creature was 9 months pregnant at the time of her death so the fetus washed up a few feet away.

Blue whales gestate for about 12 months. The scientists think momma whale was heading north to give birth to her calf in a few months. BUT LISTEN TO THIS: baby blue whales gain 200 pounds A DAY when they're young. That figure almost makes my head explode. Supposedly there was some kind of gas buildup inside the mother and her calf was literally expelled from her because of it. That may account for why a large portion of her midsection is missing, but I'm not really sure. I'm not scientist, I just happen to have a digital camera.

Hands down, my favorite part of this whole experience was the two guys who brought a six pack of Coors Orig and perched on a rock to just look at it. For some reason, I felt shame in taking a picture of them, but not this majestic dead creature. I'm not sure I can convey to you guys just how smelly 150,000 pounds of rotting flesh is, but it's definitely not the ideal atmosphere for sipping on a Banquet Beer.

Oh, and just in case you weren't grossed out before:

you know, just some giant intenstines

Holy Shit

Holy shit you guys, I just found the most amazing moment in time ever recorded. Pee Wee Herman, Regis Philbin, and CANDY? Are you kidding me?!



Also the soon-to-be most amazing moment in time ever recorded is when I go out to Dylan's this weekend and stage the world's biggest gumball heist. Who wants to be the photographer?

Alright, alright, I know you just want more Pee Wee. Fine:

He's also in the Washington Post today, proof that Pee Wee Herman is BACK, people. Get used to it.

PS - Why doesn't he AGE?!

Please Let it be a Midget

Clam o' the day. Now, I know what you're thinking. (Well, really you're thinking, "What's with all the clam pictures?" But let's get beyond that.) You're thinking, "Is that clam made of fur?" and the truth is, I don't know. But if a clam can also be like a stuffed animal, then why ask questions? Just enjoy it.

Right now you're also thinking, "Is that girl kneeling in the clam, or is she a midget in a floor length dress?" The answer is, incontestably, midget. She is a midget. And I don't want to hear any other possibilities. So good day.

Re:form School

This Saturday, Redu had a pop-up art show in NYC to raise awareness about how god awful the school system is in the U.S.  It was called Re:form School, and it was pretty damn great.

Over 150 artists participated, and I didn't take the time to learn a single one of their names.  This was partially because it was my birthday, a time when my brain totally shuts down to all information aside from the names of exotic new shots I can get people to buy me, and partially because I went to a god awful U.S. school, and therefore don't learn too good.

At least I managed to take pictures...

First of all, there was this giant clam painting.  It's a clam using a computer.  I like to think he's working on this blog.

There was also a pretty sweet bus made from reclaimed materials taken out of an old school. You can also watch a video of it being made, and hear the artist get all deep and shit. (Oh, hey, his name's Eric Otto! Education system win!)

For those of you who like infographics, this one is a littel surprising. California and New York have only 50-66 percent of high school students graduating? Maybe we should stop talking so much smack about the south...

Um, this next one was neon shapes.  That's about all I got. (Neon shapes followed by two more pictures I have nothing to say about except a plebeian, "cool.")

 

This amazing 15-foot plus mural was made of kids' cut up school work.  You can see some unused pages on the floor. 

 

This was pretty crazy too, especially considering it was part of a 30 second time stop animation made entirely of moving thumb tacks.  This is only two panels of a board that spanned the room.  It also defines "tedious."

Ok, now go build a new school or something!