My New Hero is a Toddler in a Tiara

Guys, get a load of this little lady. Girl's got POISE and CHARISMA. If I ever get on TV, this is what I'm going to do.

Obvious News Story of the Week #2

I didn't think it would be so easy to find another extremely obvious news story, but then Bam! An MTV teen mom gets a divorce. Thanks, Leah. I'll cry on the inside for you while wearing sweatpants and eating Oreos on my futon. (Alright, let's be honest. I always cry on the outside during Teen Mom.)


Did you catch that last quote? "Bad life decisions equal good ratings." That's one of the smartest things anyone at TMZ has said in at least ever.

But seriously, Leah's life is pretty sad. One of her twin babies clearly has down syndrome, and probably some neurological disorders, which I'm sure the show's directors did some sort of kitten murder ritual to make happen. You know, for the show. I'm also pretty sure that baby's conditions are much more easily diagnosable than the show would have you believe. The ratings are better if you can really tease out the (completely tragic) prognosis.

So aside from being totally insensitive to this baby mama's hard knock life, there's not much left to say except "Figured" and "Duh." At least we got to see what might have happened had Gary and Amber actually gotten married last season. Oh how I wish...

The Silver Lining

Alright, so I've been paying far too much attention to this nuclear disaster in Japan (which everyone should have expected of me by now), and perhaps my commentary has remained insensitive (as it is wont to do). I would just like to say that the following (awesome) information with its generally unapologetic tone is in no way reflective of my actual feelings towards the Japanese people or their horribly tragic situation.

After hours of reading the New York Times and watching CNN today, I finally laid eyes on what may be the most heart-wrenching footage to come out of this entire disaster. Well, actually I only saw the teaser to the heart wrenching footage, which shows, Anderson Cooper explained, one injured dog unwilling to leave another injured dog behind amidst the rubble of the tsunami. This was said over a brief clip of the able-to-walk dog looking frantically back and forth between rescue crews and the shivering, immobilized dog in said story. And seriously, I almost shed a tear over 1.5 seconds of film.

And then I remembered Homeward Bound, one of the least mentioned gems of the 90s. This is the silver lining of watching two injured dogs whimper to each other: remembering Homeward Bound exists. That's it. That's all there is. Consider this trailer the one salvaged treat from the scrap heap, and (however begrudgingly) thank me.



Also, I'm pretty sure my kids are going to watch this trailer and find it odd in the same way I find the Deliverance trailer odd. How can a couple years make movies so different?

TMI, Alex Trebek

While we're on the topic of Jeopardy!--which, let's be honest, aren't we always?--Alex Trebek got a little more personal than usual tonight. Maybe it's because it was the final day of the Teen Jeopardy tournament, and Alex likes rappin' with the kids. He's just a rappin' fool, that Alex Trebek. Just snappin' and jivin' and pronouncing things all funny. Things like neanderthal and quinoa.


Long story short, Alex's favorite animal is the muskox. That's just something he wanted us to know. He even recommended one of the 15-year-old contestants go visit a particular farm in a particular town in Alaska that raises muskoxen. He doesn't just like them, he knows where they live.


Alright Alex. We all know you're an odd guy. You spend a lot of time memorizing obscure Shakespeare passages and probably really like the smell of must. But the muskox? Really? The animal known for its "strong odor in males" and tendency to "mock copulation" when asserting dominance? Basically, this is the weird, smelly frat bro of the animal world. And it has about as much intrigue as a lump of cabbage.

I think it's safe to say Trebek's real reason for liking this generally boring creature is extremely esoteric, as all of his preferences are, I'm sure. What can you really say, except that's Alex.

Now let's humanize him a little bit by seeing him drunk!

You're Cut Off!

Have you guys heard of You're Cut Off! yet? Never has a show incited me to write hate mail, but this one, THIS ONE. Well, it's the fucking worst. I literally looked up the cast's full names so I could try to hunt them down, and figure out a way to publicly chastise them.

Is that creepy? Don't answer that.

Apparently this show, which follows spoiled "princesses" after their family cuts them off from all their money and support, is in it's second season. I've just been blissfully cut off from what is clearly humanity's black hole, televised. These girls are like 28 years old! How is that possible?

These are real human beings who have spent 28 years on the earth, yet still have no idea what happens on this planet. They have tearful realizations that working minimum wage means you make about $30 a day. Who knew?! They found out there are shoes that cost less than $300. Seriously... who. knew.

Also, despite having been around for 28 years, and spending approximately $1 million dollars on themselves for each of those years, these girls still manage to look TERRIBLE. I mean like the "oof honey, get yourself fixed UP" kind of terrible, even in their head shots for the show:

That's why the show is here -- to teach them how to be people. They learn how to share money and write up grocery lists. That's really hard! And they learn how to have a group conversation without throwing a temper tantrum that gets them held down by security and kicked off the show. Actually, they didn't quite learn that one yet. Maybe next season!

So all these girls are really awful, but Hana Hills? Hana Mother Fucking Hills. She is a TRIP! What a doozy! Can we take a peeksy at her twitter page to see how awful she is?

Woof. It's just a yikes, yikes world for Hana Hills. Hana I Wish I was Paris Hilton. Hana Run for the Hills and Buy me a Pack of Cigarettes because I'm going TANNING Today. (No really, that was an episode theme.)

And I mean... that's about it. The show is pretty awful. Awful in that these girls are terrible humans, but also awful in that they're clearly forced to say some pretty idiotic things, even to their standards. And god damn, those are some low, low standards. Like, if there were standard deviations for how terribly low people's standards can be, these girls would be... you know... really really far to the left, where the curve goes on closer and closer to the X axis for infinity or something. Basically what I'm saying is these girls standards are as poor as my math skills. And the same goes for the producers of the show.

So now you totes want to watch a clip right? Well VH1 sucks and won't let me embed it. Here's a clip of the girls fighting about cigarettes and wine! Yeah!

There Will Be JEOPARDY!

Maybe it's the old person's soul buried deep inside of me, but I have secret soft spot for game shows. It's right next to my secret soft spot for stealing sugar packets and right above my secret soft spot for complaining about people leaving the lights on. Regardless, at 7 p.m. I like to settle in for the one-two punch that is Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy! (Speaking of Wheel, have you guys seen Vanna White lately? I'm pretty sure there's an old copy of Playboy locked in her attic, becoming more and more disfigured with each letter she taps.) The past few weeks they've been running advertisements for a special edition of Space Jeopardy of the Future! where the show's two biggest winners compete against an IBM computer named Watson.

That's exactly what Watson looks like.

The computer was built specifically to compete in Jeopardy!, which seems like a perfectly reasonable use of millions of dollars and IBM's top engineers. Watson must decipher slang, irony, and a whole bunch of other things humans are better at than computers. Watson was engineered to deduce the meaning of a question, search a database of more than half a million books, and then press a buzzer in under 3 seconds. Needless to say, I am beyond excited for this John Henry-esque installment of America's Favorite Quiz Show®.

With nerds and their meager romantic prospects in mind, the first episode will take place on February 14th. I must remember to tell the boyfriend to cancel all those wildly romantic gestures he's been planning; Jeopardy! waits for no one (unless you have a DVR, of course).

Hot on the Flesh Market

I just saw SciChi's (yeah, I said it) show "Oddities" for the first time, and it was one of the coolest. It features this shop that was clearly in New York and clearly run by some kooky individuals, and clearly I had to look it up. Enter: Obscura.



It's really real and it's really here, on 10th St between 1st and A, as was primarily expected.


ANYWAY, the store is crazy, creepy cool and I can't wait to go there with Irena and look for clams. (Holy shit they just showed a taxidermied jack rabbit posed shooting a shotgun! In a guy's personal apartment! Just casually in the background and not even part of the show!)

Here's a picture of some Obsucura wares I found on the interwebs:

It's definitely a place you want to go.

Also I realized, upon seeing all of this, that I'm well on my way to a shelf 'o' obscure oddities, though now it's mostly just obscurities (you know, old-timey shit). But seriously, I'm one mummified organism away from living room display victory, and have one more goal to throw in my pocket.

End quote from James: "Let's go buy that flesh! Let's go buy that flesh. We can buy an ancient glove with ancient flesh in it."

Update: A girl just walked in with a jar full of toenails, and then was like Siiike! I make lizard sculptures out of them!

Clam Jam #10/ Nice to See You Again

Holy shit, guys. Holy shit. And I don't say holy shit often (?), but it's officially been more than a week since I've rattled off some meaningless garbage on the good old internets. We haven't even talked about how much I'm totally obsessed with the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (or more specifically Richard Lawson's recaps of their finer moments--seriously, check it.)

I have been so much more of a legitimate adult than I've ever intended in these past few... 8 days?... 8 weeks?... whatever, but I've also gone on some honest-to-god journeys which were totally reminiscent of my high-school-going-on-college days (and Irena was here, and there was New Year's and such). The great irony is that in light of all the story-making, the storytelling mechanism gets cut from the schedule. And so there is so much life experience sludge, left to fossilize, and only emerge one day when memories get skewed.


Let's cut to the clam jam chase here. I came to talk about Icypoles by Alpine, and how it's so good and how I left my iPod in New Jersey, and how much that sucks. Fortunately, I found Icypoles on a playlist, and by the time I got to this moment the next song had begun to play. It's pretty fun. And thus it takes over. (Still check out Icypoles. It knows how to fucking rock a morning commute.)

Sifl and Olly: It's Crescent Fresh

Does anyone remember the Sifl and Olly Show? Perhaps this will be an aha reminder moment that flashes you back to oh... 1998, when this gem was still airing on MTV. It was a masterful, off kilter puppet show made by Liam Lynch and Matt Crocco. I remember discovering it in 5th grade, and then mourning its loss that same year. Watching it now, and hearing all the amazing 1990s references makes me really happy--specifically frequent ones of Bjork and Clare Danes (Did you see my last post? Apparently this is a trend).

These two videos are probably my favorite Sifl and Olly moment. And I'm totally bringing back crescent fresh. (Or maybe just bringing it around for the first time.)

Oh, and here they are dressed like pimps, for good measure.

The Most Tragic Thing Ever Put on TV

Ok. This is serious. I think that maybe the world is ending. We're done. There's no hope left. There is only ... Bridalplasty.

This is a show that has young brides-to-be competing for obscene amounts of plastic surgery. This is about 18 different types of depressing. Two of the main types are a) girls who look perfectly perfect and still have a laundry list of invasive surgeries they'd like to go through, and b) girls who should really just go to the gym once in a while instead of getting liposuction on every major part of their body at once.

Type A:

Type B:


Yes, I am judging, and judging hard. I am judging both the contestants and the producers, not to mention society as a whole. My only hope is that maybe these girls are willing to go through all the surgeries because the "winner" (debatable) at the end also gets a celebrity-style wedding. But god, isn't that just as tragic?

It's the most tragic. And everyone who works at E! is going to hell (which we already knew), and everyone who watches the show should be ashamed (which I will).

I Looove Goooold

Today, National Geographic Channel introduced me to the personal title, Local Metal Detecting Enthusiast.

You see, there is this field in Litchfield, England that has been farmed "for centuries," according to the show, Lost Gold of the Dark Ages, and there is sure to be mad loot under there.

With mad loot comes mad metal detecting, and that is where you find Local Metal Detecting Enthusiasts. They are often, coincidentally, also harmonica enthusiasts and late night whiskey drinking enthusiasts. They might even be really enthusiastic about brushing their teeth after lunch. Who knows. 

But seriously, do you know how cool it is to go metal detecting and find gold and garnet relics from centuries of yore? Do you understand?! It's enough to make a girl buy a metal detector and head straight to the hills of Litchfield.

To put my enthusiasm in perspective, I have watched a feature length History Channel documentary about the Dark Ages (complete with dramatic reenactments) twice in the past two weeks, and ordered an A&E documentary about the plague from Netflix.  It had to go in my queue and get mailed to me. Moving on.

When you do a Google search for "Metal Detecting Enthusiast" you get this:

I caught this guy from so many angles; he's like the world's most ardent metal detecting enthusiast ever. Also, that looks like some really cool shit.

Go forth and metal detect!

One More Thing (About Teen Mom)

Despite this being a disgrace to real clams everywhere, I'm pretty pleased with myself over Gary Clam. He is way fatter and lazier and worse at proposing marriage than any clam I know of. But he may be more fun to watch on TV, I'll give him that.* Just in case anyone's interested in taking this to the next level, here's Gary Shirley's very own Twitter feed. Right now there are already 1,917 people with equally odd interest in this deadbeat dad!

Also, be sure to check out the Teen Mom Wikipedia page. It's packed with all sorts of fun, stalkery information about the whole cast!



*No wait, I'd be WAY more excited about seeing clams on TV.

The Best/Worst T-shirt in the World

Yes, it's true. We love Teen Mom, almost as much as we love clams. The only problem is, while going around the world expressing love for clams is fun, easy and only mildly alienating, showing love for Teen Mom just comes out like this:

While this is awesome, it's definitely sending the wrong message. I guess I'll just have to keep my Teen Mom love to my self.  (By which I mean talking about it incessantly and posting it on the internetz for everyone to see.)

Hooray for Catelynn and Tyler!

As some of you may know, Erika and I are totally obsessed with Teen Mom. We are obsessed with hating Amber and Gary because they're dumb and lazy; obsessed with calling Farrah a bitch because she is; obsessed with how fucking cute and perfect Bentley is (he gets it from Ryan); and obsessed with feeling really bad for Catelynn and Tyler.

Catelynn and Tyler are clearly the most morally upstanding people on the show. They gave their baby up for adoption because they were ill-equipped to raise it and their parents are hateful drug addicts. It breaks my heart how little support they have even though they deserve so much. Every time Catelynn's mom blows smoke in her toddler son's face, my hopes for humanity are crushed a little more. Every time Butch thinks he can teach them a lesson about "raising children" while being sent off to rehab again, I want to adopt Catelynn and Tyler and give them a whole new life. (In case you're not in the know, Butch is both Tyler's father and Catelynn's Stepfather. Those poor kids.)

Anyway, now I won't have to feel too bad for them. Jezebel has started a donation fund to help Catelynn and Tyler go to college! If I remember correctly, Catelynn wants to be an X-ray technician and Tyler wants to be an EMT. These are both very attainable and admirable goals and I think it's super awesome that strangers on the interwebs would reach out to help them on their way. If you're thinking about donating, click here.

Oh, and remember this, you guys? I loved it.

Animal Planet, You're Disgusting

Do you remember when Animal Planet first came out, back in 1996? It was so wild and exciting and promised to deliver all the big cat specials my 9-year-old heart desired.

For a couple of years, the station remained my wildlife haven, but now I have my doubts.

First of all, specialty cable stations have lost all their novelty. I get like eight different MTVs. There are now two versions of Lifetime, as if the world really needed two options for 24/7 rape stories and moms doing things on their own terms. While cable was busy ramping up the competition and creating about 800 stations to vie for my attention, Animal Planet gave it a big "meh" and started sucking hard.

Now it's all cat whisperers and crazy people who live with 60 birds.  Oh, and this: 




 To this I say, WTF, Animal Planet? You are disgusting. Why must you clarify it's a dance instructor's colon?  As if a giant mass of decaying bugs inside an ass wouldn't be of any interest unless -- oh wait, it's in a dance instructor? Let's watch!

I miss the late-90s, when a girl could watch whales migrate and antelopes roam with a simple British voice over and no frills cinematography, and run absolutely no risk of seeing the "Hey, Check Out What's Growing Inside Me!" show.

Oh, and in case you were interested in vomiting today, or wanted to crawl out of your own skin, check out the episode!  Animal Planet wouldn't let me embed it, lest I take all the credit for their groundbreaking poop joke series.  Reason number 12 why I'm now totally over it.

For the record, it looks like the new Nat Geo Wild is a fail as well, with a host of new shows that sound equally terrible, like My Dog Ate What? and Swamp Men.   (Concession: Rebel Monkeys sounds 100% incredible.)

Where oh where have all the animal kingdom cowboys gone??  

Go Figure

Even though Glee sucks, and Heather Morris is, like, whatevs, this picture is kinda great, right? Especially for an outtake. Go figure. 

Oh yeah, and this was jacked from Nylon.