My New Hero is a Toddler in a Tiara

Guys, get a load of this little lady. Girl's got POISE and CHARISMA. If I ever get on TV, this is what I'm going to do.

Clam Jam #24: Best One Yet?

Galt Macdermot, oh me oh my how I love this song.

 

Go, go, go and listen to more here: http://www.galtmacdermot.com/downloads.htm

Click on Shapes of Rhythm. It's totes the best. Literally, I went and priced out a record player for this album. Just sayin'.

Another Amazing Thing I Now Own

All of this purchase bragging is getting ridiculous. Am I becoming a hauler? Could I somehow be like the Fowlers? (Note: these ladies are great people to love loathing on the internet.)

Whatever, I don't care. Becuase in addition to my AMAZING bouncy ball, I have just purchased an EVEN MORE AMAZING TIMES TEN jacket, and it deserves great amounts of jaw dropping recognition. Behold:


Is it almost enough to overtake THE COAT in its awesomeness?


Join our Town Hall debate Saturday, May 14th to voice your opinion. It's actually on twitter. It's a town hall twibate. #koolkidskoatz


Um, for those of you who clicked the Fowler link and watched the video:
a. "Gimme, gimme. Buy, buy."
b. I hope this jacket helps awkard, choke collar-wearing tweens "understand what they would want more."

Ok PEACE I'm about to go hit the streetz with this thing on and blow everyone's minds.

Sounds of Shellfish Video Consortium (a.k.a. The Most Epic Clam Jam of All Time)

Put your party hats on. We're sinking deep to the bottom of the sea for the most clamtastic underwater dance party this side of the universe. (I know that because, you know, water's tough to find out there.)

Now, we all know there are many kinds of shellfish. But let's kick it off with the obvious. (I just can't contain myself.)

Can you believe that video exists? Man, that was fun. On to the next!

If you thought that last video was made by a person who's probably, generally pretty creepy and is keeping the whole "having friends" thing to a bare minimum, then what do you think about the guy who made this?

That song is as good as that video was sad and confusing. The description? "Pulling Mussels (From the Shell) with footage from 1960 Seaside Heights, New jersey." Sure, why not. Let's just mash those two things together, because what else are you going to do with your "Footage of Seaside Heights, New Jersey" collection? Can't just leave that sitting next to the TY Beanie Babies your whole life.

Hey guys... so now that we've gotten two clam jams under our belt, want to see another totally odd, slightly creepy, this time non-sequitur video?

Man, I could hardly get through that! Nice video Parker McParkinsons. Ah, but how I love Stephen Malkmus. And oysters! It's a perfect pairing.

Don't worry, this next video is an actual music video... oh no wait, it's totally not. That's just footage from Disney's Alice in Wonderland. Just some random clips that have absolutely no connection with the song. God, youtubians. What are you doing with your lives?

You know, I bet all the other shellfish make fun of crabs for their stupid legs. Who walks on those? Stupid crabs.

Alright. I've had about enough of this unrelated content. At least the Elvis fans know how to make a video...

This, by the way, is both my personal mantra and my life's theme song.

Ok, should we stop at five for now? Secretly (err.. not so secretly) I have a couple more up my sleeve. I was putting them all together to make Asher a CD that would UTTERLY BLOW HIS MIND. Guess I kinda ruined it. But what else can you do when it's 75 degrees out and you're stuck at your desk watching the sun slowly set, waiting for your boss to get out of a meeting so you can present him your work, you know? What else do you do?

Maybe when I get home I'll put up the rest...

Clampocalypse?

You're going to want to skip right ahead to 1:35 ...



By the way, I find this totally disgusting.

If there was a clampocalypse, the world would get a whole lot grosser, and rollier. Look at how this guy moves! Also please note, two miniature versions of Irena and myself freely yelling the world clam at about 0:29. I hope our children sound just like this one day...

Getting Back to Our Roots

Sometimes, we all just have to take a moment and remember where we came from. And we, ladies and gentlemen, are rooted in a solid foundation, built brick by brick, pearl by pearl, out of a deep love for one thing:


This guy comes with a lot of questions: Is he dancing? Walking around outside? Is it Halloween? Is he selling food? Is his costume partially constructed out of condoms? but most importantly ... Who is his friend with that sweet, sweet jacket? We should be friends!

You Guys Really Didn't Pay Enough Attention to Dildo

In case you guys missed my groundbreaking, totally important, not even remotely self-serving Christmas list, let me re-highlight for you the greatest find on Google Maps to occur this side of the millennium: Dildo, Newfoundland.


To (totally un-self-servingly) quote myself, "Dildo Newfoundland is a magical place, filled with amazing sights to see. There's The Dildo Dory Grill, Inn By the Bay (where you can get it in... by the bay), and don't forget to take a short journey down to South Dildo, where you can drive down Spread Eagle Road. I repeat, Spread Eagle Road."

The best part? This is all totally real! There are no exaggerations! Dildo is an actual place, deserving our respect, adulation, and a no holds barred onslaught of derisive comments. It is also the place where the poop joke was invented.

Ok, maybe that last one was a lie, but who cares? It's Dildo!

It's also the 482nd reason why I love Canada.

Some other really fun tidbits about Dildo, which you can verify for yourself on Google next time you need an excuse not to do your laundry:

- overlooks Conception Bay
- 4 miles south Cummingers Pond
-35 miles north of the town of Placentia. (Don't act like you can't see what they're getting at.)

This is all the handywork of Captain James Cook and his (hopefully hunchbacked) sidekick Michael Lane. They mapped Newfoundland in the 1760s, and literally just thought it was funny to name things after lame, 18th Century sex jokes. Coincidentally these are the same sex jokes we're making today. According to hilarious Wikipedia phraseology, they "were not above selecting names that might offend overly sensitive readers." And the rest of us just are.

Sifl and Olly: It's Crescent Fresh

Does anyone remember the Sifl and Olly Show? Perhaps this will be an aha reminder moment that flashes you back to oh... 1998, when this gem was still airing on MTV. It was a masterful, off kilter puppet show made by Liam Lynch and Matt Crocco. I remember discovering it in 5th grade, and then mourning its loss that same year. Watching it now, and hearing all the amazing 1990s references makes me really happy--specifically frequent ones of Bjork and Clare Danes (Did you see my last post? Apparently this is a trend).

These two videos are probably my favorite Sifl and Olly moment. And I'm totally bringing back crescent fresh. (Or maybe just bringing it around for the first time.)

Oh, and here they are dressed like pimps, for good measure.

Too Busy for Clams?

Never!



But yeah, I'm really busy. Things to come!

One More Thing (About Teen Mom)

Despite this being a disgrace to real clams everywhere, I'm pretty pleased with myself over Gary Clam. He is way fatter and lazier and worse at proposing marriage than any clam I know of. But he may be more fun to watch on TV, I'll give him that.* Just in case anyone's interested in taking this to the next level, here's Gary Shirley's very own Twitter feed. Right now there are already 1,917 people with equally odd interest in this deadbeat dad!

Also, be sure to check out the Teen Mom Wikipedia page. It's packed with all sorts of fun, stalkery information about the whole cast!



*No wait, I'd be WAY more excited about seeing clams on TV.

This Literally Existed on the Internet

I can't believe I didn't have to make this; it actually already existed on the internet. The original file name? "George Wants Clams." We all do George, we all do. I'm not quite sure who made this thing, but we'll be making babies together as soon as I find out.

Please Let it be a Midget

Clam o' the day. Now, I know what you're thinking. (Well, really you're thinking, "What's with all the clam pictures?" But let's get beyond that.) You're thinking, "Is that clam made of fur?" and the truth is, I don't know. But if a clam can also be like a stuffed animal, then why ask questions? Just enjoy it.

Right now you're also thinking, "Is that girl kneeling in the clam, or is she a midget in a floor length dress?" The answer is, incontestably, midget. She is a midget. And I don't want to hear any other possibilities. So good day.

It's Erika's Birthday!

Happy clamday, Erika! I hope this day brings you all of the clams you could ever desire.

The Most Giantest, Clammiest Clam in the World

Look at all those thumbs up!  These kids really know how to do it right.

My Friend, Clam.

It's Irena's Birthday!

I made her this and it's not even 10 yet.

Tell me that's not the cutest.

Kids, We're Going to Seattle

Seattle is where Ivar's exists.  And Ivar's is where all good clams go to die. Look at their amazing ad campaign from the 80s!

Speaking of which...

Is it just me, or does this tornado look a little, little bitty bit like a clam?

While scouring the internetz for fun things to do at San Francisco's famous tourist trap, Pier 39, I came upon a pretty awesome pearl in the rough.

The Pearl Factory is a jewelry store unlike any other. For $15, you get to pick out your very own clam and the staff will murder it for you, revealing a lovely little pearl! You can then get it attached to a pendant or a ring or something like that for more money. There are three different locations in San Francisco alone, so I think I'm going to have to convince boyfriend to take me there and buy me a clam.

It's Been a While...

So the daily clam got a little un-daily.  Bringing it back!

By the way, this thing was priced at 20 British pounds in 2007.  That's just downright absurd.