Obvious News Story of the Week #2

I didn't think it would be so easy to find another extremely obvious news story, but then Bam! An MTV teen mom gets a divorce. Thanks, Leah. I'll cry on the inside for you while wearing sweatpants and eating Oreos on my futon. (Alright, let's be honest. I always cry on the outside during Teen Mom.)


Did you catch that last quote? "Bad life decisions equal good ratings." That's one of the smartest things anyone at TMZ has said in at least ever.

But seriously, Leah's life is pretty sad. One of her twin babies clearly has down syndrome, and probably some neurological disorders, which I'm sure the show's directors did some sort of kitten murder ritual to make happen. You know, for the show. I'm also pretty sure that baby's conditions are much more easily diagnosable than the show would have you believe. The ratings are better if you can really tease out the (completely tragic) prognosis.

So aside from being totally insensitive to this baby mama's hard knock life, there's not much left to say except "Figured" and "Duh." At least we got to see what might have happened had Gary and Amber actually gotten married last season. Oh how I wish...

If Irena and I Were Models...

(from the February 2011 Urban Outfitters catalog)

Pretty, Pretty Princess

I'm just saying, they're awesome. (Dior)

Latisse Ruins Claire Danes' Eyes Forever

Really, this isn't even a story. We all saw this coming, didn't we? When we watched those poor commercials with those poor, poor women, batting their grossly underplumped, stubby little blonde colored eyelashes, we knew. We knew they would start permanently altering the color of their irises and eyelids to change. Because this is 2010, and that is what we do.

Claire Danes made the horrible, horrible mistake of being the Latisse spokeswoman. She rubbed that eyelash-growing goo all over her lids, and now look. Her face is getting discolored.


Alright, so her face is looking pretty fine there. And maybe the story is all a rumor. Facts about Claire Danes don't actually matter here, because no matter what's going on with her, there are hundreds of women in the world saying "That's why I trust my lashes to Latisse." That is a quote from the website. Apparently Latisse is like the Credit Suisse of facial hair.

Couldn't they just trust their lashes to themselves? And not run the risk of hyperpigmentation around their eyes, or their irises turning permanently brown?

I think skin discoloration is God's go-to punishment for being so ungrateful for your own personal self that you have to smear chemicals on your face to make your eyelashes grow.

The sun's mass is 1.98892 × 10³⁰ kilograms. Do you understand how insignificant your eyelashes are?

Also, according to the site, if you stop using Latisse, your eyelashes return to their normal size. We're talking about a lifelong program here. Or maybe a I'll-use-it-until-someone-loves-me program.

To top things off, the after pictures look like freakish nightmares. Eyelashes aren't supposed to get knotted up. You're not supposed to comb them. It's just not right. Look at these things:


It's like those little deep sea creatures that wave their sticky fibrous arms around waiting to catch some bigger fish's poop. (You know about those little guys, right?)

Anyway, before I go off to watch Bridalplasty, I'd just like to make one final observation. The page with "Real Questions" about Latisse also features some facts about Botox and a certain brand of breast implants. And at the very, very bottom is a copyright from the Make a Wish Foundation. Because, you know, all of those things go together.

It's the Shopportunity of a Lifetime!

Sorry about the title of this post, but I read it today on a scrapbooking website and I couldn't think of any other time in my life when I would get the shopportunity to use it. (Twice!)

Anyway, while crossing the street in San Francisco recently, my mind was blown by a bus stop advertisement that looked a lot like this:

I experienced a full range of emotions upon viewing it. First: utter confusion about what a "tregging" actually was. Second: anger at whoever invented the word tregging. Third: acceptance that I needed to go out and buy these immediately. And finally fourth: depression after realizing I live nowhere near an H&M.

Treggings are essentially your average legging, with a faux zipper and button, faux front pockets but real-live, semi-useful back pockets. I assume they have a bit more structure than regular leggings as well, so you don't look like a weirdo or Lindsay Lohan or something.

Several days later I was on an epic (unsuccessful) journey in search of sports bra, which took me to the mysterious land of mothers and aunts: Macy's! I came upon the hosiery section where I discovered that Hue is making leggings in all sorts of fabrics with all sorts of funny names. The brand's corduroy treggings are by far my favorite.

Whoever is naming products over at Hue could possibly be my BFF, though. Instead of the ridiculously named jeggings, they opted instead to refer to them as Skinny Jeanz. (Yes, with a z.) And who could forget the ever-unpopular "skegging." I know; I too thought they were referring to skanky leggings. But unfortunately it's a combination of a skirt and leggings, just like when we were little and spent too much time climbing things to worry about who could see our panties!

Go Out and Buy This Right Now

Mascara is not normally one of the things that gets me all excited. For the most part, I'm usually just annoyed that I have to shell out $10 every three months for some crap that DOES NOT give me eyelashes as long as my arms, contrary to what Drew Barrymore keeps telling me. When LashBlast came along, I settled, finally finding a mascara that was decent enough.

That is, until Maybelline The Falsies Volum' Express came along. Ridiculous name aside, this is the best mascara I have ever used in my life. While I do own quite a few high-end beauty products, I never spend the extra money on mascara since I have to buy new ones so often anyway. The real reason I bought Falsies in the first place is because it was on sale, and I'm cheap. For about $7, I'm pretty sure I've found a magic potion that makes me look like twiggy.

Since not all us can be blessed with eyelashes made of angel wings like Erika, I would highly recommend that every one of you go the nearest drug store and buy this immediately.