Latisse Ruins Claire Danes' Eyes Forever

Really, this isn't even a story. We all saw this coming, didn't we? When we watched those poor commercials with those poor, poor women, batting their grossly underplumped, stubby little blonde colored eyelashes, we knew. We knew they would start permanently altering the color of their irises and eyelids to change. Because this is 2010, and that is what we do.

Claire Danes made the horrible, horrible mistake of being the Latisse spokeswoman. She rubbed that eyelash-growing goo all over her lids, and now look. Her face is getting discolored.


Alright, so her face is looking pretty fine there. And maybe the story is all a rumor. Facts about Claire Danes don't actually matter here, because no matter what's going on with her, there are hundreds of women in the world saying "That's why I trust my lashes to Latisse." That is a quote from the website. Apparently Latisse is like the Credit Suisse of facial hair.

Couldn't they just trust their lashes to themselves? And not run the risk of hyperpigmentation around their eyes, or their irises turning permanently brown?

I think skin discoloration is God's go-to punishment for being so ungrateful for your own personal self that you have to smear chemicals on your face to make your eyelashes grow.

The sun's mass is 1.98892 × 10³⁰ kilograms. Do you understand how insignificant your eyelashes are?

Also, according to the site, if you stop using Latisse, your eyelashes return to their normal size. We're talking about a lifelong program here. Or maybe a I'll-use-it-until-someone-loves-me program.

To top things off, the after pictures look like freakish nightmares. Eyelashes aren't supposed to get knotted up. You're not supposed to comb them. It's just not right. Look at these things:


It's like those little deep sea creatures that wave their sticky fibrous arms around waiting to catch some bigger fish's poop. (You know about those little guys, right?)

Anyway, before I go off to watch Bridalplasty, I'd just like to make one final observation. The page with "Real Questions" about Latisse also features some facts about Botox and a certain brand of breast implants. And at the very, very bottom is a copyright from the Make a Wish Foundation. Because, you know, all of those things go together.