Seriously Pepsi? How many times do I have to make fun of you before you realize that you suck? You need a new ad agency. This is getting ridiculous.
It looks like Bob from distribution just moseyed on over to the brainstorming sesh with a pack of crayons and drew in that can on his lunch break. This is how you treat product placement? Like a side project for a toddler? (Sorry, Bob. Not that you're a toddler.)
Also, your girl has camel toe over there. It's actually, like, the same size as the Pepsi can. This is clearly a lopsided approach.
Really, this isn't even a story. We all saw this coming, didn't we? When we watched those poor commercials with those poor, poor women, batting their grossly underplumped, stubby little blonde colored eyelashes, we knew. We knew they would start permanently altering the color of their irises and eyelids to change. Because this is 2010, and that is what we do.
Claire Danes made the horrible, horrible mistake of being the Latisse spokeswoman. She rubbed that eyelash-growing goo all over her lids, and now look. Her face is getting discolored.
Alright, so her face is looking pretty fine there. And maybe the story is all a rumor. Facts about Claire Danes don't actually matter here, because no matter what's going on with her, there are hundreds of women in the world saying "That's why I trust my lashes to Latisse." That is a quote from the website. Apparently Latisse is like the Credit Suisse of facial hair.
Couldn't they just trust their lashes to themselves? And not run the risk of hyperpigmentation around their eyes, or their irises turning permanently brown?
I think skin discoloration is God's go-to punishment for being so ungrateful for your own personal self that you have to smear chemicals on your face to make your eyelashes grow.
The sun's mass is1.98892 × 1030 kilograms. Do you understand how insignificant your eyelashes are?
Also, according to the site, if you stop using Latisse, your eyelashes return to their normal size. We're talking about a lifelong program here. Or maybe a I'll-use-it-until-someone-loves-me program.
To top things off, the after pictures look like freakish nightmares. Eyelashes aren't supposed to get knotted up. You're not supposed to comb them. It's just not right. Look at these things:
It's like those little deep sea creatures that wave their sticky fibrous arms around waiting to catch some bigger fish's poop. (You know about those little guys, right?)
Anyway, before I go off to watch Bridalplasty, I'd just like to make one final observation. The page with "Real Questions" about Latisse also features some facts about Botox and a certain brand of breast implants. And at the very, very bottom is a copyright from the Make a Wish Foundation. Because, you know, all of those things go together.
Pepsi has been trying to be more popular than Coke since the beginning of time.
A quick glance at the facts, and you get this:
From it's (totally disgusting) start in 1898, the Pepsi logo has gotten more work done than Joan Rivers. And like Joan Rivers, there's always something just a little off. No matter how much you try to trash talk Coke's dress, its is always going to look better on the red carpet.
And remember this?
No, not even Britney Spears' exposed belly button could save Pepsi from the throes of second place.
Over the past 112 years, Pepsi Co. has earned its place as the world's greatest practitioner of futility. (Finally, number one!) It makes you feel kind of bad for them, right?
Well then maybe you can get guilted into Pepsi's next gimmick. At first glance, this just might work. People might enjoy it. Until those people think for two seconds and realize it's kind of disgusting, kind of makes you a little... uncomfortable.
Behold: The Pepsi throwback, first of all, looks awesome. It makes me think of the good ol' days when my biggest concern was riding my bike after sundown and not getting bug spray on my knee scratches. This can, in retrospect, was a pretty nice looking specimen.
But alas -- the horror! The throwback is made with REAL sugar for a LIMITED TIME ONLY. Why, Pepsi? Why? You have thrown yourself under a bus once again. And you're probably going to need a Coke to revitalize your spirits.
This is 2010. We are living in an era of tree hugging marketing gone wild. Everything MUST be real. It MUST be organic. The seeds of Pepsi's sugar should be hand-sown by vegan yoga masters in the hills of the redwood forest.
Why on earth would they tell us that in a little while Pepsi is going to be filled with some sort of fake sugar? (Probably corn syrup, I suppose.) Pepsi is blatantly admitting failure, holding hands with defeat and giving it a big old gun and wink smile. And it doesn't even KNOW IT.
Holy crap, Campaign for Tobacco Free Kids, thanks for giving me all the information I needed about Camel's latest branding campaign, including showing me all the images you are trying to ban!
In case you live under a rock, or have been too drunk off Four Loko in the past week to catch the news, Camel has unveiled a brand new marketing campaign geared at the hip, young, anti-mainstream demographic.
[Redacted: 5,000 word rant about the futility of marketing to anything hip, young, or anti-mainstream]
The campaign is a basic redesign of Camel's classic cancer stick packaging, turbo-powered with a social media concept that will actually work on a maybe young, probably not hip, blinded by the mainstream demographic.
The campaign goes like this: Camel's gonna give you 10 clues about 10 cities as it goes around the country showing you how cool it is! Guess the city and you can win some shit!
Apparently these are the best places to smoke cigarettes in America:
Austin. Out of all the cities on the list, Austin is the most likely to have people showing off these packs without a drop of irony.
Bonneville Salt Flats. Is this even a place? Moot.
The Haight San Francisco. I bet California is really, really pissed about this.
New Orleans. These people have been shit on by natural disasters and not-so-natural disasters. Let them have their cigarettes.
Route 66? That's either a major shun to a city along Route 66, or living proof we need more maps and such.
Seattle. Yeah, yeah. Kurt Cobain.
Sturgis SD. At least they specified the state here, Bonneville.
Vegas. The hookers are gonna be so psyched!
Williamsburg. Ok. Ok. .... Okay. This is the only one I can really talk about with indefatigable truth. But it's not worth it, man. It's just not fucking worth it.
Winston-Salem. Duh
If this campaign is really targeted toward the 20-somethings of Williamsburg, The Haight, New Orleans, etc. then it's just pitiful. In trying to express their fear of this campaign, CTFK is marketing these cigarettes to me way more effectively than Camel ever will. At first, this makes me think it's time for R.J. Reynolds to find a new marketing team. But then I stop for like two seconds and think about Billy the 16-year-old bass player who just started to get his brother to buy him Natty Lights. He wants to smoke Camels so, so bad now. R.J. Reynolds, you are an evil genius.
Obviously, there is some uproar. All the politicians and public health officials in of each of these perfectly respectable party cities are pissed to admit their hood is a great place to get really drunk and chain smoke in.
But in the grand scheme of R.J. Reynolds' schemes, it's really not that bad. It's not like they're sending promotional packages filled with 5-shot drink recipes and coasters that say "Layer it on, go 'til daybreak." That was so 2005.
In some ways, R.J. Reynolds is kind of like North Korea. No matter how many sanctions they get, they're going to shoot off some missiles now and again. And you can't let an ad campaign lead to nuclear warfare. I say we all just sit back, relax, take a deep carcinogen-filled breath and let Camel have their little ads. Everyone knows the cool kids are smoking American Spirits and rollies anyway.
