My New Hero is a Toddler in a Tiara

Guys, get a load of this little lady. Girl's got POISE and CHARISMA. If I ever get on TV, this is what I'm going to do.

Bath Salt Guest Blog

While you're all busy preparing for the pending zombie apocalypse, a few words from dear friend Scottimus Delbangorrific the Third:

Bath Assaults: The Apocalyptic Gas Station Drug Epidemic That D.A.R.E. Totally Warned You About 

A potent new form of LSD has hit the black market in recent years; one so potent and so clearly LSD that it isn't even actually LSD, despite the fact that every major media outfit is implying that it is!  No, friends, this new LSD is not LSD, but rather bath salts.  Bath salts bought from a gas station that, contrary to common media phrasing, have nothing in common with LSD.  Now, excuse me for a moment, but I don't think it's sensationalist in any way to say that these powerful new LSDs are the greatest gas-station-centric threat mankind has ever faced.  

Don't believe me?  Guffaw.  If you won't listen to my authoritative voice convince you in its smooth, velvety baritone (use your imagination), please allow this fine gentleman to chew your ear for a moment.  Literally!:

Police in Miami are still baffled by what transpired Saturday afternoon on the MacArthur Causeway's off-ramp to Biscayne Boulevard, where a naked 31-year-old Rudy Eugene was foundconsuming the face of another naked man. ....

Fraternal Order of Police President Armando Aguilar has since changed the substance of influence to the stimulant Mephedrone — AKA "bath salts" — citing similar attack in the area that were carried out by users of the drug.

- Gawker.com

A naked homeless man in Florida under the influence of these bath salts actually ATE ANOTHER MAN'S FACE RIGHT OFF HIS FACE -- except for the guy's beard, which I guess is like the dry crust on the white bread that is the human face.  

Seriously though, just ate the dude's face right off, lickity split.  When police asked this hungry hungry hobo politely to stop, he looked at them and growled and continued his face-feast.  Then they shot him 500 times in the organs, which honestly they should've just done in the first place for once, and I'm forced to wonder why that brief conversation even took place.  

Could this mean there may be an awesome zombie apocalypse looming on the horizon?  I'm not going to commit to an opinion on this.  Although when the roving bands of flesh eating homeless come for your children, don't say I didn't warn you.  Also, do yourself a favor and don't look at the photos of the victim unless you like getting puke all over everything within a four foot radius.  These pictures, right here.  Don't even think about it.

In other news, an anonymous source of the Daily Clam, who totally is not me, nor can you ever prove it was me, reports that he was tricked into doing bath salts by a cabal of sketchy hippies in some ramshackle flophouse this one time, and can confirm the overwhelming bloodlust and blind destructive mania one experiences when these bath salts are ingested (typically through the nose part of one's face, making mephedrone an especially difficult drug for victims of mephedrone-based face cannibalism to enjoy for just a multitude of reasons).  While our "source" didn't actually eat anyone, for better or worse, it's reported that he was quote "very enthusiastic" about the prospect.  

ED.UPDATE: Holy shit you guys, it's here. The Zombie Apocalypse is actually here. Check out this log of all the wild face-eating going on down in Florida. New motto: stay the fuck out of Florida. Also, tomorrow's to-do list: 

- get a gun; learn to shoot steady  
- buy liquor
- zombie movie lunch and learn 
- stretch
- stock up on canned tuna and baked beans 
- call your mother 

This photo is probably 1/3 as horrific as the pictures of the guy who ACTUALLY GOT HIS FACE EATEN OFF. I do not want to know. 

Buy Some "Art" From a Man Who Maybe Stabbed His Girlfriend 183 Times

I said maybe, alright? We don't know. The state refuses to give this man a DNA test. You can read about it on Gawker, with words from death row inmate Brett Hartmann himself.

But what Gawker missed out on is that this guy's "art" is actually a bunch of horrible, embarrassing tchotchke craftwork. Too bad he's not selling on Etsy, because you know Regretsy would be all over his case. (Also, please don't tell Brett Hartmann I said any of this, in case he is exonerated and then comes over to my house to chop off all my toes and stab needles into my eyes.)

Some art:

Some disturbingly shank-like art:

Some art that scares me because oh my god I totally painted a seal just like this in 4th grade and holy shit does that mean that some day I'm going to snap and go on a violent rampage?: 

Officially creeped out. Go see the rest for yourselves.

Hey Kids - It's National Celebrate Something Asinine Day!

Man, America. I know you all like to get drunk, but can't we just admit it and stop making up holidays to celebrate? Or why not claim it National Drinking Century? That should clear everything for a while.

Whatevs. Until that happens (which, duh, it will), here are some things I'll be drinking to for the next few weeks. These are real holidays, celebrated by totally normal people, all across America, particularly in those parts of America where the majority of citizens have garden gnomes, and seasonal flags.

Ok, let's start things off right with June 19-25: Carpenter Ant Awareness week. Only one day left to get all your carpenter appreciation out! I'll start you off with a little factoid (for your awareness)-- carpenter ants hollow out sections of trees to make wood, but they DON'T eat it! That's termites, son. Now you know.


June 27 - Decide to be Married Day. Watch out James. I'll be doing shots and dreaming up my best proposal speech, which will probably contain the word "di'ntcha."

ALSO on June 27: "Happy Birthday to You" Day. This is especially offensive to people actually born on the day of June 27, so I'll be spending most of my partying time pouring one out for all those homies.

June 30: National Hand Shake Day. Germaphobes, get your gloves on. And peace be with you.


July 2: I Forget Day. Man, if there was ever a holiday to drink through, it's this one. Plus it's fourth of July weekend, so get to it!

July 6: Take Your Webmaster to Lunch Day. So, uh...yeah. Looks like you better hurry up and get yourself a webmaster. Preferably one who likes to shotgun beers.

July 10: Don't Step on a Bee Day. A grueling day for beekeepers everywhere. Cheers to you, beekeepers!

Whew! Well, after all those hard-partyin' celebrations, I'm going to need to take a little breather. But rage on America, you crazy, crazy bastards.

Sounds of Shellfish Video Consortium (a.k.a. The Most Epic Clam Jam of All Time)

Put your party hats on. We're sinking deep to the bottom of the sea for the most clamtastic underwater dance party this side of the universe. (I know that because, you know, water's tough to find out there.)

Now, we all know there are many kinds of shellfish. But let's kick it off with the obvious. (I just can't contain myself.)

Can you believe that video exists? Man, that was fun. On to the next!

If you thought that last video was made by a person who's probably, generally pretty creepy and is keeping the whole "having friends" thing to a bare minimum, then what do you think about the guy who made this?

That song is as good as that video was sad and confusing. The description? "Pulling Mussels (From the Shell) with footage from 1960 Seaside Heights, New jersey." Sure, why not. Let's just mash those two things together, because what else are you going to do with your "Footage of Seaside Heights, New Jersey" collection? Can't just leave that sitting next to the TY Beanie Babies your whole life.

Hey guys... so now that we've gotten two clam jams under our belt, want to see another totally odd, slightly creepy, this time non-sequitur video?

Man, I could hardly get through that! Nice video Parker McParkinsons. Ah, but how I love Stephen Malkmus. And oysters! It's a perfect pairing.

Don't worry, this next video is an actual music video... oh no wait, it's totally not. That's just footage from Disney's Alice in Wonderland. Just some random clips that have absolutely no connection with the song. God, youtubians. What are you doing with your lives?

You know, I bet all the other shellfish make fun of crabs for their stupid legs. Who walks on those? Stupid crabs.

Alright. I've had about enough of this unrelated content. At least the Elvis fans know how to make a video...

This, by the way, is both my personal mantra and my life's theme song.

Ok, should we stop at five for now? Secretly (err.. not so secretly) I have a couple more up my sleeve. I was putting them all together to make Asher a CD that would UTTERLY BLOW HIS MIND. Guess I kinda ruined it. But what else can you do when it's 75 degrees out and you're stuck at your desk watching the sun slowly set, waiting for your boss to get out of a meeting so you can present him your work, you know? What else do you do?

Maybe when I get home I'll put up the rest...

Hot on the Flesh Market

I just saw SciChi's (yeah, I said it) show "Oddities" for the first time, and it was one of the coolest. It features this shop that was clearly in New York and clearly run by some kooky individuals, and clearly I had to look it up. Enter: Obscura.



It's really real and it's really here, on 10th St between 1st and A, as was primarily expected.


ANYWAY, the store is crazy, creepy cool and I can't wait to go there with Irena and look for clams. (Holy shit they just showed a taxidermied jack rabbit posed shooting a shotgun! In a guy's personal apartment! Just casually in the background and not even part of the show!)

Here's a picture of some Obsucura wares I found on the interwebs:

It's definitely a place you want to go.

Also I realized, upon seeing all of this, that I'm well on my way to a shelf 'o' obscure oddities, though now it's mostly just obscurities (you know, old-timey shit). But seriously, I'm one mummified organism away from living room display victory, and have one more goal to throw in my pocket.

End quote from James: "Let's go buy that flesh! Let's go buy that flesh. We can buy an ancient glove with ancient flesh in it."

Update: A girl just walked in with a jar full of toenails, and then was like Siiike! I make lizard sculptures out of them!

Look What James Found!

If you are a lover of nerdy city history, secret locations, and watching people risk jail time (and their lives) you will be pleased with the following video, brought to you by James.

This is UNDERCITY, a documentary by Andrew Wonder that follows this guy Steve around as he lurks through NYC subway tunnels, shows us the original architecture of the Canal Street sewer (the city's first underground), interviews some people who have been living along train tracks for decades, and climbs to the tippy top of the Williamsburg bridge.

In case you haven't guessed, Andrew Wonder and Steve are super badass. Seriously, take the time to watch:

UNDERCITY from Andrew Wonder on Vimeo.

Latisse Ruins Claire Danes' Eyes Forever

Really, this isn't even a story. We all saw this coming, didn't we? When we watched those poor commercials with those poor, poor women, batting their grossly underplumped, stubby little blonde colored eyelashes, we knew. We knew they would start permanently altering the color of their irises and eyelids to change. Because this is 2010, and that is what we do.

Claire Danes made the horrible, horrible mistake of being the Latisse spokeswoman. She rubbed that eyelash-growing goo all over her lids, and now look. Her face is getting discolored.


Alright, so her face is looking pretty fine there. And maybe the story is all a rumor. Facts about Claire Danes don't actually matter here, because no matter what's going on with her, there are hundreds of women in the world saying "That's why I trust my lashes to Latisse." That is a quote from the website. Apparently Latisse is like the Credit Suisse of facial hair.

Couldn't they just trust their lashes to themselves? And not run the risk of hyperpigmentation around their eyes, or their irises turning permanently brown?

I think skin discoloration is God's go-to punishment for being so ungrateful for your own personal self that you have to smear chemicals on your face to make your eyelashes grow.

The sun's mass is 1.98892 × 10³⁰ kilograms. Do you understand how insignificant your eyelashes are?

Also, according to the site, if you stop using Latisse, your eyelashes return to their normal size. We're talking about a lifelong program here. Or maybe a I'll-use-it-until-someone-loves-me program.

To top things off, the after pictures look like freakish nightmares. Eyelashes aren't supposed to get knotted up. You're not supposed to comb them. It's just not right. Look at these things:


It's like those little deep sea creatures that wave their sticky fibrous arms around waiting to catch some bigger fish's poop. (You know about those little guys, right?)

Anyway, before I go off to watch Bridalplasty, I'd just like to make one final observation. The page with "Real Questions" about Latisse also features some facts about Botox and a certain brand of breast implants. And at the very, very bottom is a copyright from the Make a Wish Foundation. Because, you know, all of those things go together.

The Most Tragic Thing Ever Put on TV

Ok. This is serious. I think that maybe the world is ending. We're done. There's no hope left. There is only ... Bridalplasty.

This is a show that has young brides-to-be competing for obscene amounts of plastic surgery. This is about 18 different types of depressing. Two of the main types are a) girls who look perfectly perfect and still have a laundry list of invasive surgeries they'd like to go through, and b) girls who should really just go to the gym once in a while instead of getting liposuction on every major part of their body at once.

Type A:

Type B:


Yes, I am judging, and judging hard. I am judging both the contestants and the producers, not to mention society as a whole. My only hope is that maybe these girls are willing to go through all the surgeries because the "winner" (debatable) at the end also gets a celebrity-style wedding. But god, isn't that just as tragic?

It's the most tragic. And everyone who works at E! is going to hell (which we already knew), and everyone who watches the show should be ashamed (which I will).

I Looove Goooold

Today, National Geographic Channel introduced me to the personal title, Local Metal Detecting Enthusiast.

You see, there is this field in Litchfield, England that has been farmed "for centuries," according to the show, Lost Gold of the Dark Ages, and there is sure to be mad loot under there.

With mad loot comes mad metal detecting, and that is where you find Local Metal Detecting Enthusiasts. They are often, coincidentally, also harmonica enthusiasts and late night whiskey drinking enthusiasts. They might even be really enthusiastic about brushing their teeth after lunch. Who knows. 

But seriously, do you know how cool it is to go metal detecting and find gold and garnet relics from centuries of yore? Do you understand?! It's enough to make a girl buy a metal detector and head straight to the hills of Litchfield.

To put my enthusiasm in perspective, I have watched a feature length History Channel documentary about the Dark Ages (complete with dramatic reenactments) twice in the past two weeks, and ordered an A&E documentary about the plague from Netflix.  It had to go in my queue and get mailed to me. Moving on.

When you do a Google search for "Metal Detecting Enthusiast" you get this:

I caught this guy from so many angles; he's like the world's most ardent metal detecting enthusiast ever. Also, that looks like some really cool shit.

Go forth and metal detect!

The Wild and Wonderful West Virginia Drinking Game

I just discovered the greatest documentary I have ever seen -- aside from Jonestown, of course. That's the greatest movie I have ever seen, and maybe just the greatest thing I've ever seen, in general, ever in life. Anyway, let's not let Jim Jones run yet another show. This moment is all about

THE WILD AND WONDERFUL WHITES OF WEST VIRGINIA

Alirght, if you haven't figured it out yet from the trailer, this family is filled with the most badass, hilarious, lawless, backwoods, tragically depressed people on the planet. To quote Hank Williams III, "They are the true rebels of the south."

You're gonna laugh and you're gonna cry, but mostly, you're gonna drank. Because I just made a drankin' game.  (Warning: the first few minutes are going to do you in, but it's to prepare you for the rest of the film.)

To play, you will need:

• A pack of cigarettes
• A pint of whiskey 
• A 30-rack of Budweiser Original

Optional: a couple xanny bars, some crack and/or PCP, and a penchant for murder.

Drink every time:

• You see a tap dancer
• There is a reference to murder
• You are confused by someone’s gender, based on their voice
• Something really inappropriate is said around Tylor, and yet he’s blissfully playing with weird toys
• You see a cigarette within five feet of a child (and finish your beer when a child actually smokes one)
• You see a panniculus

Smoke a cigarette every time:

• Someone gets a tattoo in their own kitchen
• Someone does drugs off a toilet

Take a shot:

• For Bertie Mae's 84th birthday
• When you see tits

Pour out one for the homies when:

• You feel really, really bad for that baby 

Fortunately, this video is streaming on Netflix, so if you have a membership, which I'm pretty sure is everyone by now, you can start the fun right away! Yee haw!

Also good to know -- the movie has a perfectly perfect website. 

This Literally Existed on the Internet

I can't believe I didn't have to make this; it actually already existed on the internet. The original file name? "George Wants Clams." We all do George, we all do. I'm not quite sure who made this thing, but we'll be making babies together as soon as I find out.

Holy Shit

Holy shit you guys, I just found the most amazing moment in time ever recorded. Pee Wee Herman, Regis Philbin, and CANDY? Are you kidding me?!



Also the soon-to-be most amazing moment in time ever recorded is when I go out to Dylan's this weekend and stage the world's biggest gumball heist. Who wants to be the photographer?

Alright, alright, I know you just want more Pee Wee. Fine:

He's also in the Washington Post today, proof that Pee Wee Herman is BACK, people. Get used to it.

PS - Why doesn't he AGE?!

A Dip Into the Realms of the Unreal

 Henry Darger was the kind of crazy that inspires curiosity and fascination, the kind that is gentle and reclusive--and only slightly reminiscent of people who wear other people as jackets. He escaped from an insane asylum at the age of 16; he was uncomfortable talking to people, but argued with himself in wild dialects and voices; and he produced over 35,000 pages of written works and art. 

So, obviously we checked out his exhibit at the American Folk Art Museum.


Henry Darger is arguably the most famous, if not at least the most prolific, outsider artist in history. Unable to relate to the world around him, and wrapped up alone in the world inside his mind, Darger spent 47 years creating the work he is most known for: a 15,145-page, single-spaced epic titled The Story of the Vivian Girls, in What is known as the Realms of the Unreal, of the Glandeco-Angelinnian War Storm, Caused by the Child Slave Rebellion.  (Should we all just take a moment to imagine producing 15,145 pages of fiction?  How about an eight volume, 5,000 page autobiography?  Because Darger did that too.)

He also produced hundreds of paintings to illustrate his tale, some of which were created on ten or twelve foot scrolls of butcher paper. With no training or money for supplies, Darger had to develop his own artistic techniques.  He used a heavy collage style incorporating watercolor, clippings from print media, tracing techniques, and photo enlargement.

Warning:  The more you look into the life Henry Darger, the more depressing the facts become, though digging deep is highly recommended.  There's a documentary about him on Netflix you can play instantly, so three cheers for that, but don't be prepared to go put on your dancing shoes when you're done watching it or anything. 

Darger's Workspace and Self-made Art Collection 

Darger often used stamps as makeshift picture frames for his work. 

Illustration of the Vivian Girls, about whom In the Realms of the Unreal was written.

Darger also depicted the Vivian Girls in collage.

Depiction of a Glandelinnian/Vivian Girl/Blengin battle.  Darger had a natural talent for composition and color. 

On a totally different note, we discovered there are excellent masks to be found at the American Folk Art Museum shop!