Bath Salt Guest Blog

While you're all busy preparing for the pending zombie apocalypse, a few words from dear friend Scottimus Delbangorrific the Third:

Bath Assaults: The Apocalyptic Gas Station Drug Epidemic That D.A.R.E. Totally Warned You About 

A potent new form of LSD has hit the black market in recent years; one so potent and so clearly LSD that it isn't even actually LSD, despite the fact that every major media outfit is implying that it is!  No, friends, this new LSD is not LSD, but rather bath salts.  Bath salts bought from a gas station that, contrary to common media phrasing, have nothing in common with LSD.  Now, excuse me for a moment, but I don't think it's sensationalist in any way to say that these powerful new LSDs are the greatest gas-station-centric threat mankind has ever faced.  

Don't believe me?  Guffaw.  If you won't listen to my authoritative voice convince you in its smooth, velvety baritone (use your imagination), please allow this fine gentleman to chew your ear for a moment.  Literally!:

Police in Miami are still baffled by what transpired Saturday afternoon on the MacArthur Causeway's off-ramp to Biscayne Boulevard, where a naked 31-year-old Rudy Eugene was foundconsuming the face of another naked man. ....

Fraternal Order of Police President Armando Aguilar has since changed the substance of influence to the stimulant Mephedrone — AKA "bath salts" — citing similar attack in the area that were carried out by users of the drug.

- Gawker.com

A naked homeless man in Florida under the influence of these bath salts actually ATE ANOTHER MAN'S FACE RIGHT OFF HIS FACE -- except for the guy's beard, which I guess is like the dry crust on the white bread that is the human face.  

Seriously though, just ate the dude's face right off, lickity split.  When police asked this hungry hungry hobo politely to stop, he looked at them and growled and continued his face-feast.  Then they shot him 500 times in the organs, which honestly they should've just done in the first place for once, and I'm forced to wonder why that brief conversation even took place.  

Could this mean there may be an awesome zombie apocalypse looming on the horizon?  I'm not going to commit to an opinion on this.  Although when the roving bands of flesh eating homeless come for your children, don't say I didn't warn you.  Also, do yourself a favor and don't look at the photos of the victim unless you like getting puke all over everything within a four foot radius.  These pictures, right here.  Don't even think about it.

In other news, an anonymous source of the Daily Clam, who totally is not me, nor can you ever prove it was me, reports that he was tricked into doing bath salts by a cabal of sketchy hippies in some ramshackle flophouse this one time, and can confirm the overwhelming bloodlust and blind destructive mania one experiences when these bath salts are ingested (typically through the nose part of one's face, making mephedrone an especially difficult drug for victims of mephedrone-based face cannibalism to enjoy for just a multitude of reasons).  While our "source" didn't actually eat anyone, for better or worse, it's reported that he was quote "very enthusiastic" about the prospect.  

ED.UPDATE: Holy shit you guys, it's here. The Zombie Apocalypse is actually here. Check out this log of all the wild face-eating going on down in Florida. New motto: stay the fuck out of Florida. Also, tomorrow's to-do list: 

- get a gun; learn to shoot steady  
- buy liquor
- zombie movie lunch and learn 
- stretch
- stock up on canned tuna and baked beans 
- call your mother 

This photo is probably 1/3 as horrific as the pictures of the guy who ACTUALLY GOT HIS FACE EATEN OFF. I do not want to know.