Surprisingly, my family up in Connecticut didn't get me a waterfall for my apartment OR a bedazzled pony. We have three more celebrations to go, so I'm holding out and keeping faith in the rest of the fam(s).
To the list!
16. New York City Plates. These plates are where I want to represent, yo. Despite a large portion of the city getting gypped here, the old WB managed to sneak in. And who cares about what's above 65th anyway? Also, I like to imagine Bloomberg eats off these plates going "Moo-oo-ah-hah-hah-hahhhh."
17. Custom rings from Littlefly. Jeremy May takes hundreds of pages out of books, laminates them together and turns them into the most kick ass rings on the planet. I think I'd want one made out of Nine Stories. Or maybe a big chunk of Nabokov's collection of shorts... as long as it could include Sounds and La Veneziana. It would be the best. ring. ever.
Ugh, how boring that this is ring number two on the list, by the way. Moving on...
18. A fancy shmancy apartment. Emphasis on the shmancy, please. I suppose this place will do.
19. iPod DJ station. My favorite new gadget, taking party DJ-ing to a whole new level. You know when you have people over and they all want to plug in their iPod and take over the music? That sucks--especially when you put together a playlist perfectly curated for the party scene of your dreams, where everyone gets down like it's a Bud Light Lime commercial, except they're way cooler and the drinks are better. But alas, music raiders are an inevitable consequence of drunk people gathered in groups. This DJ station makes it all a little more bearable. (And by bearable, I mean awesome.)
(Merkury Innovations also makes these really cool speakers out of recycled candy boxes. Hear the rainbow, or whatever.)
20. A weekend getaway in Dildo, Newfoundland. Seriously, guys. Who's up for spring break? Dildo Newfoundland is a magical place, filled with amazing sights to see. There's The Dildo Dory Grill, Inn By the Bay (where you can get it in... by the bay), and don't forget to take a short journey down to South Dildo, where you can drive down Spread Eagle Road. I repeat, Spread Eagle Road.
Even if we don't go, it's really fun to look up information about Dildo on the internets. Check out these search results:
Dildo photos? Oh boy!
Also added to the Christmas list are whatever sort of "dildo treasures" they're selling at the old inn. I repeat, dildo treasures.
21. Babushkups When's the last time you wanted to give a cup a hug?
22. Baby ducklings that never get old and just swim around in a cup in my kitchen forever. Plus they never ever poop, or eat. And Gary never tries to eat them, but just licks them on their little duck beaks, and they quack and quack and swim and swim and all is right in the world and there is no more sadness or pain. There is only duckling cup.
23.Glow in the dark sunglasses. And I'll just tell Kanye to suck it.
24. A Roomba. This is clearly for Gary, but I guess it serves the dual purpose of slightly cleaning our house. Unfortunately, these things are insanely over priced. Maybe that's just the cost of watching a cat attack a dog while riding a Roomba.
If we're talking about robots, we should really be focusing on this guy, the R2D2 Robot. Yeah, my bad. That's the one I really want. (He does EVERYTHING!)
25. A gym membership. This is really lame, I know, but I haven't hit one of these bad boys since college, for realz. It's kind of depressing, but not as depressing as the women from Bridalplasty. Gym membership or not, I still win!
(the results of searching "gym thumbs up")26. The Pi Mobility Bike.
Just kidding. That thing is so douchey I can't even handle it. (Get it? Handle it? That's a bike part.)
27. A trip to the bottom of the ocean. Do you know what kind of awesome stuff goes down at the bottom of the sea? I've only seen about 600 hours of deep sea footage in my life, so I'm not really sure. But I have a hunch it's mind-blowing. Basically, to give me this gift your plan should be this: kidnap a marine biologist's wife (or husband, you sexist) and force him to give me a ride in his submersible, or else.
27 1/2. I also need to see this guy, or the lady gets it.
28. An iPad. Ok? I said it. I just really, really want one. And so do you. You do. Stop denying it.
Have you guys ever gotten your hands on one of these? I have.
First of all, iPads make it so much fun to Netflix-binge in bed. They also make it so much fun to snag the window seat at the coffee shop and watch the hipster parade go by while typing away about meaningless drivel and clicking through apps and games and useless programs, and generally accomplishing nothing aside from embracing new technology at its pinnacle of impracticality.
It is so great!
29. A lifetime supply of Oslo mocha lattes. Speaking of coffee shop hipster parades... Oslo is my coffee shop Mecca. I make the sacred journey as often as weekend hangovers will allow. Then I spend $4 on a delightfully delicious cup of coffee, and drink it as slow as I can, to make it last through more than 5 pages of a book, and also to make it seem worth $4. With a lifetime supply, I could just chug away until I was shaking too much to hold another cup! And then I'd probably just sip it off the table. Mmm...
30. A 1,000% raise. I'm gonna need mad loot to maintain my new apartment, the indoor waterfall and that pony everyone gets me. Plus, I'll want a lot of spending money in Dildo. Hopefully my boss is deeply entrenched in the Christmas spirit.We made it! Greed is kind of exhausting, you know? I'm worn out from all this want. Except for peace and joy and happiness for all men and all that. I still have room to want that.
Oh, and um, here's a picture of Krampus. For good measure.
He is dripping with holiday cheer.
Omg babushka cups I love you dearly!
ReplyDeleteso have you ever seen the episode of Parks and Recreation feat. DJ Roomba? Because that is the real reason why I want one of those ...
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