Clam Jam #20

Today I'm coming at you with a double feature. Free the Robots deserves it.

Part I: Diary

Oh the sweet, sweet payoffs. This song is totes worth the wait.

Part II: Listen to the Future

Put this in your earholes for two seconds and Voila! You are a Class A, super cereal, bona-fide badass. Congratulations. You are winning at life.

Moonrise Kingdom: So Good!

Yesterday night we went to see Wes Anderson's new film, Moonrise Kingdom. Would anyone like to go with me tonight? Because it was so good!

I'm not a big movie-goer, so I say this in comparison to films that were new and interesting approximately 5 years ago, and a sparse selection of offerings on Hulu that were made between 1972 and 1987. So... you know. Not the best reference!

I was with some people of quite reputable opinion, however, and they all agree when I say:

This movie was shot beautifully. We walked out with a ton of one liners, which I will not try to butcher for you here. The script was fun and light and fantastical, with real issues and honest motivations and, well, god damn, it was just a job well done.

In short: do yourself a favor and go see it.

And afterwards we can totally play Wes Anderson bingo!

Special Edition Clam Jam: R. Kelly Has No Money

Is this not the most boot-leg video in the world?

R. Kelly yodeling in front of static screen grabs of the alps... yup, time for the world to end. Zombie apocalypse, it is time.

Bath Salt Guest Blog

While you're all busy preparing for the pending zombie apocalypse, a few words from dear friend Scottimus Delbangorrific the Third:

Bath Assaults: The Apocalyptic Gas Station Drug Epidemic That D.A.R.E. Totally Warned You About 

A potent new form of LSD has hit the black market in recent years; one so potent and so clearly LSD that it isn't even actually LSD, despite the fact that every major media outfit is implying that it is!  No, friends, this new LSD is not LSD, but rather bath salts.  Bath salts bought from a gas station that, contrary to common media phrasing, have nothing in common with LSD.  Now, excuse me for a moment, but I don't think it's sensationalist in any way to say that these powerful new LSDs are the greatest gas-station-centric threat mankind has ever faced.  

Don't believe me?  Guffaw.  If you won't listen to my authoritative voice convince you in its smooth, velvety baritone (use your imagination), please allow this fine gentleman to chew your ear for a moment.  Literally!:

Police in Miami are still baffled by what transpired Saturday afternoon on the MacArthur Causeway's off-ramp to Biscayne Boulevard, where a naked 31-year-old Rudy Eugene was foundconsuming the face of another naked man. ....

Fraternal Order of Police President Armando Aguilar has since changed the substance of influence to the stimulant Mephedrone — AKA "bath salts" — citing similar attack in the area that were carried out by users of the drug.

- Gawker.com

A naked homeless man in Florida under the influence of these bath salts actually ATE ANOTHER MAN'S FACE RIGHT OFF HIS FACE -- except for the guy's beard, which I guess is like the dry crust on the white bread that is the human face.  

Seriously though, just ate the dude's face right off, lickity split.  When police asked this hungry hungry hobo politely to stop, he looked at them and growled and continued his face-feast.  Then they shot him 500 times in the organs, which honestly they should've just done in the first place for once, and I'm forced to wonder why that brief conversation even took place.  

Could this mean there may be an awesome zombie apocalypse looming on the horizon?  I'm not going to commit to an opinion on this.  Although when the roving bands of flesh eating homeless come for your children, don't say I didn't warn you.  Also, do yourself a favor and don't look at the photos of the victim unless you like getting puke all over everything within a four foot radius.  These pictures, right here.  Don't even think about it.

In other news, an anonymous source of the Daily Clam, who totally is not me, nor can you ever prove it was me, reports that he was tricked into doing bath salts by a cabal of sketchy hippies in some ramshackle flophouse this one time, and can confirm the overwhelming bloodlust and blind destructive mania one experiences when these bath salts are ingested (typically through the nose part of one's face, making mephedrone an especially difficult drug for victims of mephedrone-based face cannibalism to enjoy for just a multitude of reasons).  While our "source" didn't actually eat anyone, for better or worse, it's reported that he was quote "very enthusiastic" about the prospect.  

ED.UPDATE: Holy shit you guys, it's here. The Zombie Apocalypse is actually here. Check out this log of all the wild face-eating going on down in Florida. New motto: stay the fuck out of Florida. Also, tomorrow's to-do list: 

- get a gun; learn to shoot steady  
- buy liquor
- zombie movie lunch and learn 
- stretch
- stock up on canned tuna and baked beans 
- call your mother 

This photo is probably 1/3 as horrific as the pictures of the guy who ACTUALLY GOT HIS FACE EATEN OFF. I do not want to know. 

Clam Jam #19

Hey kids, we're bringing back the clam jam! Today is all hot and sweaty and smelly and city-like, so.... Ghostface.

And the clam is back. Simple as that.

Color, and Then a Frog Ring. No Reason.

Check out these people being all like "YEAH!" about color. It's pretty... groovy, I guess, would be a fair description.



So how crazy is it that right after I watched this video, I saw this lamp in a totally unrelated catalog? I think the people who made the poured paint pedestals should immediately turn them into lamp posts. That would be the coolest.


You know what's also the coolest?


Obviously I love everything about this frog ring, except the $5,500 price tag. That's totally offensive, Lucifer Vir Honestus. Go suck an egg. Your name is quite fitting, for you are the ring devil. Is that seriously a giant block of real turquoise? I'm going to go to Toys 'R' Us, where they have little rubber animal figurines -- no, scratch that, I'm going to find an ERASER in the shape of a frog and superglue it to a plastic ring. Boom, same effect. Plus, I can totes do a crossword. How does that egg taste now, Luce?

This message has been brought to you by the end of the day after a long weekend. 

Meta Gif Internet Lolz

Can I make a collection of the best gif collections? Is that allowed? There's already so many amazing sets out there, I figure why start fresh from the bottom of the aggregation ladder?

I'm doing it.

Ric Flair. WOOO these are awesome.

Also, can we just take some more time out to appreciate Ric mother fucking Flair? I mean, his shoes cost more than your house.

Alright, back to the gifs. Next I present.... Mr. Put the Bunny Back in the Box himself, Nicholas Cage.

I happen to be an actual member of that there Cagealot Castle. Several months ago I signed up specifically to get a gif of Cage diving through a window to escape an airplane explosion in the second half of ConAir. I could not find that gif. It was upsetting, but I became initiated into a fine subset of humans over at the castle de la a lot of Cage, who have put together a vast collection of weird shit dedicated to the man. So, silver lining. Keep up the good work, you Cageaholics.

Today, when I went back to find said gif set, I also find THIS horrifying blog of nightmares and tears, which is apparently new and active, and did I mention horrifying and tear-filled?

But it's ok, because right as I was about to rip out my eyeballs with fear and rage from seeing that site, I found this:

Holy mother of god, it is the best gif of all time. 

While basking in the light of that hot, hot piece of smooth sexy gifness, a question arises: Why is Nick Cage's oeuvre so exhaustively turned into gifs? And why has no one done the scene where he dives through those windows like a mad man in ConAir?! My investigation continues...

Let's see, what's next. Kitten gifs? Nah, too easy.

N*SYNC GIFS!!  These are so intense. Pop stardom really is all about the close-up, huh? Also, please note the makers of this blog would like you to Njoy the gif. Ndeed I will.

The natural progression from here is oh my god spice girls gifs! Obviously. But those ladies were a bit more pre-internet, and hence don't have as much going on. How about one for good measure:

Aww, do your thing ladies. They are slamming all kinds of things in all sorts of directions.

Alright, I'm about to get epilepsy right now. More to come? Probably.