Animal Planet, You're Disgusting

Do you remember when Animal Planet first came out, back in 1996? It was so wild and exciting and promised to deliver all the big cat specials my 9-year-old heart desired.

For a couple of years, the station remained my wildlife haven, but now I have my doubts.

First of all, specialty cable stations have lost all their novelty. I get like eight different MTVs. There are now two versions of Lifetime, as if the world really needed two options for 24/7 rape stories and moms doing things on their own terms. While cable was busy ramping up the competition and creating about 800 stations to vie for my attention, Animal Planet gave it a big "meh" and started sucking hard.

Now it's all cat whisperers and crazy people who live with 60 birds.  Oh, and this: 




 To this I say, WTF, Animal Planet? You are disgusting. Why must you clarify it's a dance instructor's colon?  As if a giant mass of decaying bugs inside an ass wouldn't be of any interest unless -- oh wait, it's in a dance instructor? Let's watch!

I miss the late-90s, when a girl could watch whales migrate and antelopes roam with a simple British voice over and no frills cinematography, and run absolutely no risk of seeing the "Hey, Check Out What's Growing Inside Me!" show.

Oh, and in case you were interested in vomiting today, or wanted to crawl out of your own skin, check out the episode!  Animal Planet wouldn't let me embed it, lest I take all the credit for their groundbreaking poop joke series.  Reason number 12 why I'm now totally over it.

For the record, it looks like the new Nat Geo Wild is a fail as well, with a host of new shows that sound equally terrible, like My Dog Ate What? and Swamp Men.   (Concession: Rebel Monkeys sounds 100% incredible.)

Where oh where have all the animal kingdom cowboys gone??