A Foray with Four Loko

Have you ever been busy?  Like, so busy you can't really figure out when to eat or do your laundry?  Or you get really psyched when you only have four more hours of work and 32 emails in your inbox to deal with?  So busy you can't click on all the funny links people are posting on Facebook and just laughing and laughing and joking away while you're drowning in a pile of paperwork and desperation?  Or maybe you try to go to bed one night but then you start thinking about your to-do list and start crying and hyperventilating and then someone is suddenly putting ice packs on your face and you realize you're having your first honest-to-god panic attack?

(Alright, I'll admit it, I never stopped dicking around on Facebook.)

Unfortunately, all this business and busy-ness will be continuing on for the foreseeable future, but seeing as today is Saturday, I though I'd take a moment to send out a little prequel to all the soon-to-be restored glory and fullness of... constant dicking around on Facebook.  And sometimes writing things.  And photoshopping clams.  (Oh, how I miss the clams.)

Last night James and I had a romantic evening--just us and three of the Four Loko, which I have lovingly nicknamed Gross, Grosser, and Get The Hell Out Of My Mouth.  (You can learn about all the flavors on the "four facts" page, which clearly needed to exist.*)

Seeing as my body has been crushed under the debilitating weight of indefinite big kid obligations, I knew I would need some sort of a pick me up to make it out for Janusz' birthday.  After a brief discussion, James and I came to the only logical solution: popping back a nice big can of meme drink.  (Plus, we heard it got banned in Michigan, and if a state is going to ban something, I'm going to drink it.  Me and every college student in the country that hasn't tried it yet, because, you know, that's how these things work.)

Imagine my surprise and delight when I got home to find this:

 

That's flowers, a candle, cheese and crackers, wine glasses and three Four Lokos--sitting in ice. Look at how sensual those cans of crazy, crazy madness looked in the candlelight. 

Mmmmm. 

Alright, before you go getting all hot and bothered, know this:  Four Loko tastes like a frat boy made jungle juice with sprite and Hawaiian Punch that was actually manufactured in 1992, then filled it with Fun Dip and rufies, and maybe peed in it a little, just for good measure.  James and I started safe, with Cranberry Lemonade, devolved into Blue Raspberry, and then felt too concerned for our health to actually crack Loko Uva, which apparently is a flavor.  We saved little Uva for Janusz to drink at his birthday party, but he politely declined our offer as we were being yelled at for potentially "ruining the night," source to remain unnamed.

Here we are taking our first tastes of Blue Raspberry:

James really seems to be taking it in stride there, doesn't he?  Maybe we should try to set him up as a Four Loko spokesperson.  He can just drink and drink and drink, and die and die and die and we'll make so much money and probably end up on the news somewhere with the title "local idiots."

By the time we made it out for the birthday, I was wholly self-aware of what an asshole I was being, and totally incapable of doing anything about it.  It's like watching a train wreck, but you're also the driver... and also the train, come to think of it.  And you really have to pee all the time. 

Looks like we were keeping some sort of dream alive at the bar... not exactly auspicious.

Conclusion: don't do it, kids.

Back to crippling responsibility.


* If you want to get some really good Four Loko facts, head over to the "Drinking Four Loko is Like Playing With Fire" forum.  Actually, just go there in general -- the main site's called DrugsandBooze.com.